If you live outside of the good, ol’ U.S. of A., you may not be following the mid-term elections with, say, the enthusiasm of a Trekkie waiting outside of William Shatner’s door at 6 a.m. for the inevitable Captain-Kirk-in-his-bathrobe shot you’ve been waiting 12 hours for…
… but, if you’re me and many, many other ‘Muricans, you’re on fucking pins and needles waiting for the results.
Will the blue wave come, restoring a little faith in the process?
Will literally nothing change, cementing your newfound belief in 24-7 alcoholism and a return to that nice looking cave you saw in the foothills?
Will you make it to work tomorrow, or be too goddamn hungover?
Well, I can at least help you with that last one.
Justin’s Guide to Drinking Away Mid-Term Election Night Anxiety
Now, you don’t have to wait impatiently, with empty hands, or without having fought your neighbor over the political sign in their front yard, for the results of your local elections (and subsequent tampering).
For the compromisers in us, or maybe for those of us who just… well… hate Mexicans… a drink that encompasses a Mexican stereotype (tequila) with some American vanity and faux sweetness.
WAIT! I don’t mean to stereotype. You could also be the kind of person who just hates brown people, not Mexicans specifically. Whew!
Start with a short, dirty, job-stealin’ glass.
Shout “RAPIST!” at it loudly and frequently.
Flood with ICE.
Add 6 oz. tequila.
Drop in the worm.
Now, in a small, dark, separate glass, place the worm. Let the tequila know you’re pretty sure you have the worm’s paperwork and exact whereabouts somewhere in your possession… but it might take a minute.
Now don’t drink any of it, you know, because MS-13.
3 oz. tequila
1.5 oz. orange juice
1.5 oz. Diet Sprite
The Mueller Investigation
You know, something strong and omnipresent to help wipe the slate clean.
I’m thinking of something like a long island iced tea… except MORE AMERICAN.
1.5 oz. Bourbon
1.5 oz. some shitty whiskey made in America that tries to sell itself as bourbon
1.5 oz. Jagermeister, which isn’t even closer to American, yet which Americans drink like it’s really, really American.
0.5 oz. Fireball, because I’m pretty sure it’s only (American) assholes who drink that stuff.
3 oz. Bourbon
Top off with Bourbon.
Now, help Mueller: find the reds!
“Mind eraser, no chaser”
-Them Crooked Vultures
The Moscow Mueller
Credit on that title to wifey. In the event that Mueller was somehow already in the pocket of the Russians, or the Republicans, or the Russpublicans, simply mix Bourbon (that’s Mueller) with Vodka (that’s Moscow) and drink it.
Because, at that point, who really gives a shit what you’re drinking?
The Supreme Court Justice
Credit to Johnboy for this one.
“I like beer.”
“I used to drink a lot of beer… still do.”
“LOOK, I HONESTLY LOVE BEER. BEER?! BEEEEEEEEER!!”
-Assorted quotations from Brett “The Brettster” Kavanaugh
Fill half way with Mueller… er… Miller Lite.
Top with a legitimate sour or lambic or anything that employs the use of BRETTanomyces yeast.
Repeat until your memory still holds up in a job interview.
Feel the BERN
A drizzle of maple syrup (Vermont)
1.5 oz. Clear Rum (Sass and non-traditional American)
1.5 oz. Coca-Cola (Classic USA liquid)
Plunk in a few ice cubes, because he’s pretty cool for being old… but not too cool.
Drink while being like 200 years old, working 18 hour days, and making jump shots in front of college students, all while simply trying to make everyone’s life better.
Your turn. Make one up!