The Ridiculosity of FitBits OR What it Meant to Be New in This Amazing World

Don’t let the title make you think this shit is going to be positive, or even devoid of profanity, motherfucker. I do wax sentimental periodically (if you know me, I am the toughest guy you’ve ever met and will kill you for looking at me funny, but I do happen to cry during cat food commercials), but this will probably amount to more of an angry rant than a Hallmark card. Speaking of…

Get ready for the emotions, you moody bitch.

Dearest Friend,

Do you remember what it was like to not get off of your lazy ass because a piece of technology told you to, but because this world was brand new? Do you remember the excitement and curiosity and all-consuming joy that simply living brought to you? When was the last time you saw a sunset?

In fact, let’s be fucking real, when was the last time you saw your toes, your pecker, or that belly button piercing you got when you were so drunk with your girlfriends in Cabo?

This season, remember the finest things in life are free, like moving those elephant hooves and taking some joy in the fact.


Motherfucking Hallmark & Associates (TM)


P.S. You watch too much T.V. and chasing invisible monsters on your cell phone barely counts as exercise… it’s a step above walking to and from the fridge.


If this blog was a Hallmark card, it’d go something like that. Drink it in, thou who hath lost the joi de vivre that used to come so naturally to us all. After having FitBits purchased for my colleagues and me by our administration (yeah, they’re pretty cool), it’s been obnoxiously real how much more I move, simply because a machine is counting my steps. I didn’t even realize I was competitive until I saw the, shall we say, less-than-active teammates of mine moving nearly as much as I did. Now, this is a bit of an exaggeration, but having an infant sure causes one to move a whole lot more than without one and has contributed to my success in the movement department (I also lift weights, do HIIT, go on runs, and generally do things that I admittedly find unpleasant, all so I can look better).

My son, in fact, is the reason for this post. If you’ve never had a young child, you’d be amazed at how much they VOLUNTARILY move their butts all day long. Often times, we even put him in his crib, only to hear him scampering around, tossing stuffed animals hither and thither. He’s a wily creature, to be sure.

Your new personal trainer. Let’s make some gainzzz!

I think the absurd thing, and, ultimately, the point of this misguided, angry rant, is how far removed we’ve truly become from our natural world and the patterns of our ancestors. To be a human being and to choose a sedentary life goes against what humans have done for many, many years: walking. I don’t care if you’re fat, thin, buff-as-hell, morbidly obese, etc., I believe you should ENJOY moving your legs periodically. The fact that engaging in physical pursuits is not only not a priority, but something people intentionally avoid day after day, scores pretty high on the ludicrous scale.

The fact that (damn near) all babies and toddlers LONG for it, while teenagers and adults actively avoid it, says that something real, real big has gone wrong somewhere along the line.

And with that said, MOVE YOUR ASS at least a little bit today. Believe it or not, you’ll actually feel better.

I said NOW, numb nuts!

4 thoughts on “The Ridiculosity of FitBits OR What it Meant to Be New in This Amazing World”

  1. I think I was the last human holdout on the Fitbit, and then I ordered one off Groupon last week. It was super cheap, an obvious knockoff, and I ONLY got it cause it vibrates when your phone rings. I ain’t gonna lie. But, yeah, being competitive, I will up my steps because of it. People are weird.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So much agreed! I have a friend, who has all kinds of issues, that nearly kills herself to get outside, and do the things that interest her (specifically among nature) and I see all these healthy people with no issues, no depression, no physical problems who would rather sit on their couches bitching about their office jobs watching TV and it makes me sick. Then they get these fitbits, post the results on FB, and expect praise for doing anything at all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. I think you just said it better in that short paragraph than in the whole post. First world problems…. You truly nailed it when you said they then post this on social media to get props. I do that on myfitnesspal to get some props, but let’s be clear, the main reason is so I can have those cute, little, Matthew McOnahey (sp?) abs. Yes, I know that’s not how it’s spelled.

      Liked by 1 person

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