“The Times They are a-Becoming Quite Different.”

And there’s Seymour Skinner with the scripture. Thanks, Seymour (or should I say… ARMAN TAMZARIAN!).


Humorously enough, the ol’ feeling that everything is going to hell in a man-purse isn’t at all a new concept. While The Simpsons (circa Conan O’Brien… RIP, funny version of Conan) nail this all of the time, it’s amazing how that general malaise transfers from generation to generation (albeit, only when they begin having kids or hit age 38, give or take). At some point, you realize that your slang is out, you can barely understand today’s youth, you refer to kids as “today’s youth,” new things like touch screens and the internet (or the steam-powered locomotive, or the typewriter, or the horse…) frighten you, and you kind of want to deny it all, crawling into your old person hole with your televised stories and root marm to slurp on. Hey, it happens to the best of us!

“Me remember when rock cost only one nickel.”

Heck, people have been claiming things like “politicians are liars” and “teens are rude” and “the end is nigh” for centuries now, so how does one gauge if things are truly getting worse? In all reality, things probably aren’t getting a lot worse (socially, anyway), but they’ve always been changing and becoming different bits of newness for each aging generation to fear.

On this year’s menu: transgenderism! What a fun concept for young and old to grapple with. I remember it was quite the hot topic back at my college, full of idealistic liberal students eager to bring equality to every corner of the earth, to every conceivable combination of minorities, and, most importantly, to shout down the naysayers who would deny bathroom rights to so-called “zhe”s in our community. Although, way back then, we just used the bathroom and kept our mouths shut about it. Does that frighten you, youth of today?!

If I’m being honest, I care very little for this issue. I want people to be comfortable, regardless of their gender identity, so it goes without saying I don’t care a bit who goes to the bathroom where, so long as they are doing what God intended them to do in said bathroom: poop and get out. To this point in my life, if I’ve ever shared a restroom space with any transgender individual, I wasn’t aware of it. The cool part is that, if I did, they didn’t announce it to me, try to invade my personal bubble, or do anything beyond ordinary public restroom etiquette: poop and get out. However, if we’re really being honest, guys make about as much eye contact and cordial conversation in a public restroom as Helen Keller and Marcel Marceau.

“I ain’t sayin’ sh!t about this one.” -Marcel Marceau

What strikes me as more interesting about the situation is how loud everyone cares to be about where people use the restroom. Was it really a problem before? Has anyone ever stopped an individual and shamed them for using a restroom? I truly feel they fail to generate any amount of lively conversation, these public restrooms, of ours, which could be fixed with some free coffee or guided ice-breakers (just sayin’). I tend to be of the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality, so why pry into restroom usage unless there’s some terrifying upsurge in the number of rapes or political debates between public restroom patrons. No, sir, to me it seems like (sorry, not to dog on one political party; I truly despise all politics) Republicans are way too fixated on… well… parts! They seem far too preoccupied with what’s beneath the Daisy Dukes or pant suit. They are obsessed with UGLIES! That is to say, genitalia. The whole issue seems as if people can’t get over what’s in another person’s pants to the point that I feel like they’re kind of outing themselves as creeps. I could be oversimplifying the issue, but that’s the impression that I suppose I get. The whole situation reminds me of two delightfully humorous college situations…

In a gender and race issues class (someone just uttered the phrase “liberal pussies”) I remember taking back in Los Angeles, our class studied how old-timey scientists dedicated to understanding the vast, vast, unfathomable differences between blacks and whites were fixated on one extremely important anatomical concept: DAT ASS! I am speaking genuinely when I say that we poured over a great number of articles outlining how the large and especially protruding gluteus maximus, or “Ghetto Booty,” of Africans equated to them being real dumb; they never got to the part about how sad, flat, white person butts somehow made them smarter, but, after 1,400 pages on this stuff, I think it was implied.

The Venus Hottentot. Is there nothing science can’t teach us about dat ass?

Republicans overly focused on this issue, that’s what you seem like. Obsessed with the meaty stuff, not the touchy-feely stuff, as Democrats would probably prefer it.

On the flip side, because it wouldn’t be fair if I weren’t dogging on the hemales, shemales, she-hes, zhes, and even those-who-refer-to-themselves-simply-by-their-first-names-but-confuse-others-with-their-parts-and-the-way-they-dress, the transgender party is being a little ridiculous, too. The shaming and scolding and fist-shaking that I’ve seen / heard from the tranny camp has been a little ludicrous. In one instance, I heard a thirteen-year-old girl (with boy parts… for now [wink]) seriously raise her voice to a sixty-year-old fellow, because he accidentally referred to a person (who identifies as female) as a “he.” Trans-folk, this is a pretty freaky-ass concept for anyone over the age of 50 right now, and that age estimation is pushing it for many parts of the country. You may need to give people time for things to soak in before your accepted (and sometimes complex) terminology is used by the masses.

Now women’s rights and transgender rights have been at least a fairly hot topic for the last few years, so it’s not like the LGBT community needs to be clamoring for attention. Anecdote number two comes in as I recall Latinos receiving attention for equality (back in twenty-ought-three [2003]), immigration, illegal alien status, etc. The most amazing reaction from any single community came in the form of an interview published in the Los Angeles Times. A representative from the black community came forward and admitted they were angry that Latinos were getting all of the attention. When asked why, she admitted it was because it took attention away from the black community. So much for solidarity, I suppose.

Anyway, trans community, you are supported! You are not alone! One day, you will have the freedom to use any restroom you like! And if you keep selling the gender you prefer as much as this humanoid, you can use my restroom any day (wink)!

The real struggle is all about a head of hair with some body to it.

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